23 November 2008 @ 07:41 pm
Just how it is  



There are some moments where I think it might’ve been better if I hadn’t found Gray.  Oh, the moments don’t last long, sure; paid off well in the end, after all, but…If I hadn’t found Gray – purely by /accident/, by the way, don’t go gettin’ any ideas about how I painstakingly tracked down signs of him until I found him in some valiant attempt to win over Jack, ‘cos that’s not how it happened – then I wouldn’t’ve got the idea to track Jack down again, wouldn’t’ve gotten myself forced into the middle of a vendetta (and if I’d known it was gonna happen when I picked him up, /believe/ me, I would’ve bloody /left/ him there, Jack’s brother or not), wouldn’t’ve gone sightseeing and come back to try again, wouldn’t’ve gotten roped back into the tangled mess that is Jack and me.  Oh, don’t get me wrong; I’m not complaining, /believe/ me.  I love the bastard more than I should, and it’ll probably be my undoing one day.  But sometimes I wonder if we both wouldn’t be better off if I’d never shown up in Cardiff, never found Gray, never got involved again.

Namely ‘cos there’ve been entirely too many moments as of late where one of us is on hands and knees apologising for /something/, and surprisingly enough I didn’t necessarily mean in that way.  Sometimes hands and knees just means hands and knees, you know.  Honestly.  But it’s true; there was the love potion stupidity, then the faked death, and now /this/ fresh hell…I mean, sure, he was under a curse, couldn’t help it; I get it.  Believe me, I know what it’s like to be forced into doing something that about kills you.  But, thing is…even when I was following the mental patient’s orders, I did about the minimum I could get away with, didn’t push any further than I thought they could handle while still gettin’ the job done.  Granted, sure, in the end they still ended up losing two of their own, but by that point it wasn’t my doing anymore, it was Gray’s.  But Jack….it wasn’t the /level/ of coldbloodedness, I know he’s capable of that, had plenty of time to get to know that part of ‘im well.  The man’s bloody /brilliant/ at torture, got a bit of a flair for it that I never could – too impulsive, me, kept going overboard and losing the subjects before they spilled.  But…never expected I’d ever be on the other end of it, or that any of his close mates would.  ‘Cos he’s got his code, and he doesn’t break it.  Granted, might be a bit loose compared to most of the people in this century, but it’s there.  And that?  /Huge/ violation.  He’s the type to give you that disappointed look and make you feel insignificant, that you’ve broken some major rule, and yells a bit, but then all is forgiven and things are back to normal.  /I’m/ the one that loses his temper and lashes out at people ‘cos they won’t do what I want, not Jack.  Never Jack. 

I /should/ just leave.  I know I should; it’d be the smart thing to do, ‘cos the stakes have changed.  It’s not simple anymore, not like back at the Agency where I’d do what I felt like and knew that if I wasn’t supposed to Jack would find some way to keep me in line (and that was most of the fun of it, really), and otherwise he’d be there to clean up the mess with a “stern talking to” later, followed by the “appropriate” punishment and then everything was fine.  Now I’ve actually got to follow the damn rules, or at least most of ‘em, ‘cos Jack’s got too much on his plate to deal with me if I don’t, so I’ll just end up kicked to the curb or locked up for a week or so ‘til I behave.  Which might be sort of fun, actually, depending on the terms…But that’s not the point.  Point is, now there are other people need to be taken into account.  Not just Jack.  There are the people Jack relies on too; Eyecandy and Sarah and everyone else, and I’ve got to account for them as well, ‘cos I’ve managed to get attached somehow, so now their feelings matter too.  Don’t ask me how it happened, ‘cos buggered if I know.  I’m walking on a bloody tightrope, and it’s only a matter of time before I slip.  Remove myself from the situation, and the tightrope disappears, problem solved.

Only…I can’t.  ‘Cos it’s Jack.  And that complicates things more than anything’s got a right to, but it simplifies them as well.  Like I said, I love him more than I should, and it’s bound to be my undoing, but still.  It’s Jack, and that’s pretty much what it comes down to.  Sure, a few incidents have thrown some things into perspective, but when have I ever been the one to listen to what I “should” do?  Sod that.  I’d /still/ follow the bastard to the end of the universe, whether or not he wanted me along.  Just how it is.


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