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(Captain) John Hart ([personal profile] notethesarcasm) wrote on September 17th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Don't Resist

15 September 2008  8.30
 
I wake up to an empty room and a note. This is /never/ a good sign.
 
“To john,
going for a bit, need to think
don’t bother contacting me
be back whenever”
 
Yeah, definitely not a good sign. Well, fine. She needs to “think”, and I can only assume what about. 
 
That’s alright; I’ve got things I need to do too.
 
I head down to the range, crank up the stereo, and start taking out my energy on the thick pieces of cardboard. Not the optimal solution, but it’ll just have to do for now.
 
Young, dumb, don't see a problem
Bloodshot, stare like a hoodlum
Simple as this; I'm in love with the risk
I know what I've done,
But tell me what did I miss?
 
The usual quiet I get inside doesn’t seem to come, even after a few bull’s eyes.
 
See, that’s the thing; even with Jack and Lara’s attempts to keep me on the straight and narrow…the urges are still there. They can shag my brains out ‘til I can’t think all they want, but the minute my brain starts functioning again, it’s only a matter of time before the itch is back. They just somehow manage to keep it in check a little longer, that’s all. Like Jack said, all they’re doing at this point is damage control; it’s a bit late in the game for a complete paradigm shift. Granted, I don’t think that comment was meant for me to overhear, but I’m not /completely/ delusional; I know it’s true. Certainly helps when I’m pointed in the direction of something that they want dead. Really don’t mind being used as an attack dog, and at least I’m being useful that way. Long as I can do that, then Jack’ll keep me around. I’ll take it where I can get it.
 
So please don't save something
Waste not, save nothing
Lose the halo, don't need to resist
A lick of the lips and a grip on your hips
 
The pull’s just stronger sometimes, that’s all. Like the other night, with the blowfish. Started out well enough; got the itch, went out, found something that was “Jack approved”, and killed it. All well and good. Well, at least until the victim of the blowfish just…/stood/ there, not doing a sodding thing. Not like I was expecting a thank you or anything, but…come on! Didn’t even look like he’d been putting up much of a fight beforehand, either. Which only pissed me off more. So I’m all set to shoot the bloke; survival of the fittest, probably wouldn’t’ve lasted long anyway, since he didn’t seem capable of fighting back. Would’ve done it too, if Jack hadn’t stepped in with his bleeding heart and his sodding superiority complex. There are six billion bloody people on the planet right now, what’s one less, really?
 
Sick, sick, sick
Don't resist
Sick, sick, sick
Don't resist
 
And I miss. Bollocks. I /never/ miss. Well…unless Lara’s being distracting, but she’s not here, now is she? No, she’s off /thinking/. No one else to blame for it but me. Stupid subconscious, wanting to have a think while I’m trying to waste time.
 
 So now I’m back to where I was back at the Academy; one half saying sod the rules and do what I want, the other saying I really should make an effort to play nice. Was so much easier before I found Jack again; no-one giving me stupid rules I have to follow if I want to be allowed to stick around, could just do what I wanted, whenever I wanted, with whoever I wanted, however I wanted to do it, with no-one sticking their bloody nose in and trying to be my sodding /conscience/.
 
A total eclipse
In the teeth of the risk
The tongue is a twist
Perpetual bliss
Forever midnight
Forever midnight,
Forever midnight,
Forever…
 
I empty my third clip as the song nears the end, mostly ignoring the words by now, brain continuing on its train of thought. Stupid brain.
 
‘Course, it doesn’t help that now I’ve got /two/ people trying to keep me in line. No, not bad enough I’ve got Jack’s voice in my head day in and day out (not that I mind much; it’s a nice voice, if a bit…preachy sometimes) telling me what I can and can’t do, now Lara’s managed to get in on the action too. And not in the way that involves the removal of clothing, either. No, I’ve got Jack telling me to follow the bloody rules or he’ll make me wish I’d never found him again (and, well, that’s enough to keep me in line most of the time, if I were to be brutally honest…a bit pathetic, sure, but it’s the truth), and Lara trying to /coddle/ me into behaving. Alright, that’s not strictly true; pretty sure what we do most of the time wouldn’t come /close/ to being considered “coddling” in any sense of the term. But still. She’s definitely the good cop to Jack’s bad cop. Which is bloody /weird/, considering it used to be the other way ‘round, back in the old days. She’d be the one ramming the rules down my throat, while Jack would be ramming…other things into me. Lara would be the one strong-arming me into behaving, and Jack would find a way to manipulate me into doing the right thing. And now they’ve switched. A bit disconcerting, really. Granted, not all that surprising, given the situation (and if Lara says those three words one more time, I swear I’m gonna…alright, I don’t know what I’m gonna do, to be quite honest; haven’t thought it out that far), but disconcerting nonetheless. And not necessarily in a bad way, either…well, it’d be better if Jack didn’t try to spend every spare moment trying to hint that I should just give up already (when he’s not trying to shag me senseless…talk about mixed signals…), but…
 
And look at that. Lara’s right; I /am/ turning into a big bloody kitten. Bugger this, I’m done. Not having this conversation with…myself anymore. Not having it period. Full stop. I’m sick of being second fiddle to a nancy in a suit, no matter /how/ good he looks in it. And does he ever…/Goddess/ that boy fills out a suit nicely… But that’s not the point. Eyecandy doesn’t know him the way I do. Not saying Jack can’t have him on the side; it’d be a bit selfish of me to deny him that, particularly when he practically /demands/ to be mussed. Just saying. Jack needs to wake up and realise that, even though he can try to keep me quiet with his lists and rules and impromptu buggering…I’m not going away.
 
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